By Winnie Suen, MD, board-certified geriatrician · Last reviewed November 2026
The short answer: Start with respect. Lead with your parent's own goals (staying independent, staying safe at home), not with the word "dementia." Write down specific changes you've noticed, share them with their doctor, and frame the visit as a general check-up. If safety is at risk, don't wait.
Why parents say no
Saying no is very common, and it usually comes from fear, not stubbornness. Your parent may be worried about:
Losing their independence, their car, or their home
Being "labeled"
Feeling embarrassed or talked down to
Not actually noticing the changes you see
Ways to start the conversation
Pick a calm moment. Avoid holidays, arguments, or right after a mistake.
Lead with their goals. "I want to help you keep living at home the way you want to."
Talk about the whole body. "Let's make sure your medications and blood pressure aren't making you tired or foggy." Many memory problems have treatable causes, like medication side effects, poor sleep, low thyroid, vitamin deficiencies, or depression.
Use "I" statements. "I've been worried since you got lost driving to the store" works better than "You're forgetting everything."
Ask who they trust. Sometimes a sibling, friend, pastor, or their own doctor is the right messenger.
Offer choices. "Would you rather go next week or after your trip?" keeps them in control.
Make it easier. A visit at home can feel much less stressful than a clinic.
Keep notes
Write down specific examples with dates: missed bills, repeated questions, getting lost, unsafe cooking, falls. These help a clinician understand what's really happening, especially if your parent seems fine during a short visit (which is very common).
When safety comes first
If your parent is driving unsafely, leaving the stove on, being exploited financially, wandering, or can't take medications safely, talk with their doctor promptly. If there's an emergency, call 911.
How Discover Health can help
A memory and thinking assessment is part of every geriatric consultation at Discover Health. Dr. Suen sees patients located in Hawaii, usually visits them at home, takes the time to build trust, and looks for treatable causes first. She can also help families plan next steps together. Learn about Geriatric Consultation or call (202) 670-8838.
This article is general information, not medical advice for a specific situation.